Raw Material

It seemed like a casual enough atmosphere to be discussing the finer points of female psychology – why having a criminal record could actually be a selling point for many in relationships.  Of course, the pizza, soda, and coffee in front of me only obscured the rising tension in our discussion.  I should have interpreted the intermittent flashes of shock and rage in her eyes as a sign to “Don’t go there”, but it was too late – it was far too interesting a subject.  “Well”, I postulated, “Maybe it’s because women are looking for raw material.”  She quipped, “Raw Material…?” as if I was about to suggest something questionable.  “Haha… no,  I mean ‘raw material’ as in ‘hidden potential’.  I think women look to carve from a rough block of stone their ideal man.  It helps to validate themselves, and in the end they think they will get exactly what they wanted.”  I then took another bite of pizza feeling very profound and self-satisfied.  Later that afternoon I got a text from her saying, “Thanks Jesse, I have spent all afternoon crying because of you.”  Feeling complimented over what must have been the great ministry value of our lunch I shot back to her, “You bet! Anytime.”  She quickly shot back, “You know, sensitivity isn’t exactly one of your strong points.”

She was right! Sensitivity has never been one of my strong points.  But something about what I said really hit home for her.  Probably from the beginning of time the ideal of a wayward yet sympathetic man has been instilled in the female mind.  Characters like Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights or the phantom in Phantom of the Opera are portrayed as wicked men whose unfair destiny was shaped by cruel events from their past.  The women in these stories are drawn to these melancholy souls out of a sad empathy that turns into a deep heartfelt love.  Even though the rationality of these women drives them away from these evil men, it is always implied that they alone hold the key to true love.  The stories aren’t always so bold as to suggest that these women could actually change these men, but some women will supply that part in their imaginations.

In a culture that tells us to ‘follow our heart’, many women are caught up in the popular myth of the wayward man and end up in abusive relationships.  Like Heathcliff or the phantom, these men aren’t about to change, and would only be irritated by a woman’s attempts to make them change.  But many women are unwilling to give up the fantasy instilled in them from childhood – they feel that their love should have the power to change that person.  When the love that they pour out isn’t returned, and that person fails to change, they are left empty and deeply broken.  When it comes to relationships, we desperately need more counsel than what our hearts are telling us!  Scripture says in Jeremiah 17:9, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?”

It isn’t fair to suggest that only women struggle with the myth of the ‘wayward’ soul, because men will also fall into similar traps concerning women!  This is especially common in San Jose, CA – where the male to female ratio is woefully unbalanced.  The city is known with great disdain among the men in my fellowship as ‘Man Jose’.  Sometimes when the options are limited it’s tempting to consider relationships out of hope for a future change, but that kind of thinking is both selfish and prideful.  It’s selfish because we are not accepting that person for who they are, but for a fantasy about what we hope they will become.  It’s prideful because none of us have the power to change anyone – only JESUS.

The foundation for any relationship has got to be total acceptance for the other person, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Relationships that are formed ‘on credit’ are doomed from the very beginning, because they are not based in reality.  Eventually all of those unmet expectations will express themselves as frustration, and those unmet expectations are not the other person’s fault!  The only way to truly accept someone unconditionally is through the Holy Spirit, and with our eyes wide open.  Our own heart, emotions, and lusts have a way of blinding us to the reality of who other people really are – and what we feel is ‘love’ can be just a fantasy.  As Christians we need to remember that true fellowship, and hence intimacy, will only result from a common foundation in Christ.  The Apostle John put it this way, “If we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another..” -1^st John 1:7